


We Are Golden

by Walden_pond313



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Domestic Violence, Drabble Collection, F/M, M/M, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-04
Updated: 2013-05-04
Packaged: 2017-12-10 08:43:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 8,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/784102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Walden_pond313/pseuds/Walden_pond313
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is the first fanfic series I wrote and completed...back in 2011.  It's a collection of drabbles based on some of my favorite songs.  The story that unfolds is one of heartbreak, violence, and love...the usual.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Muse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title and lyrics taken from The Muse by Darren Criss

 

_You’re a diamond that I’m afraid to touch._

_You’re damn near flawless and I’m sure you’d cut_

_Up my eyes, my hands, my head, my heart._

_You tear this canvas skin apart;_

_Oh, what a waste of human art that’d be._

 

 

            Merlin was starting to hate modeling.  He hated the flashing lights and flashy clothes.    It was the money he cared about; Juliard didn’t pay for itself.  During all his shoots he’d never met anyone interesting.  Oh, they were all interested in him.  And his rising fame.  And his angelic features.  They loved everything about the persona he created but never the real Merlin.  Until he’d met Edwin.

            Edwin Muirden was an up and coming photographer booked to shoot Merlin’s first spread in an international magazine.  He was charming, handsome, and said things that made young Merlin’s heart beat faster. Edwin was older, more _mature_ than the people who usually tried to get Merlin’s attention.   He was new and exciting. 

 

           Months went by and Merlin thought himself so ‘in love’ he didn’t notice the trap closing around him.

 

 

_You’re a dungeon but you’re made of glass._

_Your prisoners have no idea they’re trapped,_

_‘Cause you look so beautiful inside._

_It makes us feel like we’re alive,_

_But Lord knows we’ll never survive your walls._

 


	2. Smile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This a small time jump from the first chapter.
> 
> Title and Lyrics taken from Smile by Lily Allen

 

 _I was so lost back then_  
But with a little help from my friends  
I found a light in the tunnel at the end

          Merlin moved the last of his stuff into Will and Gawain’s apartment.  They had become an odd sort of family: Gawain was a party animal, Will, a psychopath, and Merlin, a recluse.  Somehow they seemed to fit.  14 months ago, Merlin would have thought living with other people, hell, sometimes living, seemed unlikely.  But here he was; free at last.

            He had new friends and a new life.  He severed all ties to what he used to be. Except music.  He still played whenever he could, he just stopped using it as an escape.  At first the thought of playing again sent him into a depression.  All these negative emotions and memories seemed to be connected to  his instruments.  Gawain would not allow it, however. 

            After he finally left Edwin, Gawain helped him move on.  He helped him feel like a human being.  It didn’t hurt that Gawain was the father of his cousin and the on again/off again love interest of his aunt. For months, he’d been begging to take Merlin to a meeting for abuse victims.  Merlin was not too excited.  He didn’t know if he could speak freely in front of other people.

            The first meeting was hell.  He found himself feeling embarrassed and unsure.  Should he spill his innermost secrets?  Will people judge him?   The road towards a mental recovery was a slow one.

            Merlin found that his friends made it easier.

_At worst I feel bad for a while,  
but then I just smile I go ahead and smile_


	3. The Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arthur's pov. Each chapter will alternatea between the two from now on...
> 
> Title and Lyrics taken from The Fear by Lily Allen

_I am a weapon of massive consumption_

_And it's not my fault it's how I'm programmed to function_

_I'll look at the sun and I'll look in the mirror  
I'm on the right track yeah I'm on to a winner_

 

Arthur stared at another company email in agony.  He loved his job most of the time.  He was good as it.  The respect and loyalty that was earned because of it didn’t hurt either. 

 

What he hated was the monotony; the occasional sense of uncertainty.  Was he doing his absolute best?  Could he do more?

 

Arthur’s melancholy musings were interrupted by a _ping!_ announcing a new e-mail.

 

* * *

 

From: <Morgana> [m.lefay@albion.com](mailto:m.lefay@albion.com)

To:  [a.pendragon@albion.com](mailto:a.pendragon@albion.com)

CC: [gwen.smith@nymc.edu](mailto:gwen.smith@nymc.edu), [A.Aurelianus@yahoo.com](mailto:A.Aurelianus@yahoo.com), .,       [PrincessElena@gmail.com](mailto:PrincessElena@gmail.com), …[L.Dulac@Inspirephoto.com](mailto:L.Dulac@Inspirephoto.com)

 

Hello Everyone!

 

As was mentioned in our last meeting, tomorrow night is Gilli’s going away party.  We’ll be throwing the party at the little club in the Camelot Hotel.  Dress code is semi-formal.  I hope everyone can make it.  Feel free to bring your loved ones.

 

Hope to see you there :]

 

~Morgana

 

* * *

 

 

“Morgana, you can’t seriously be inviting me to this party.”

 

“Why not?  You’re a part of my support system. Besides, you already live in the building.  It’s not like it would be a hardship to trek downstairs.”

 

Arthur sighed.   “You at least could’ve told me you were throwing a party in my building.” 

 

"Brother, dear, don’t sulk. It’s unattractive”  His sister chastised.  “I know you don’t always feel at ease around the group, but I think you would benefit from some human contact.”

 

“You talk as if I lack actual friends.”

 

“You might have work friends.” Morgana allowed.  “But you only hang out with a few people in your normal life.  I refuse to let Owain Longfellow be your best friend; he’s repulsive.”

 

“You already stole Leon away from me.  You probably want Owain for yourself too.”

 

“You have to meet new people.” She sighed.  “Arthur, I just want you to be happy.  ”

 

Arthur looked around at his spacious office.  His desk was plain.  All his pencils and notecards were aligned just so.  The walls held his college diploma and various newspaper articles. 

 

It was very cold and impersonal.

 

A frown tugged at his lips.

 

A response to Morgana’s statement came unbidden.

 

“I don’t even know what that is anymore.”

 

_I don't know what's right and what's real anymore_

_And I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore_

_And when do you think it will all become clear?_

_'Cause I'm being taking over by The Fear_


	4. I Like

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title taken form I Like by Keri Hilson

_Dressed up out the door so damn ready for one night maybe more_  
I like I like  
Red strobe light hot boys dirty minds  
when you crossed my way  
I like to like  
just you and I touched at first sight

__  
  
Edwin had taken him in before he had a chance to really grow up. At 18, Merlin hadn’t been given the opportunity to experience the world.  Edwin tried to make sure he’d never have the chance.

 

The group helped him reconnect with the world again.  Merlin was able to talk to people who would truly understand him without fear of judgment, especially Gwen and Morgana.

 

He liked Gwen and Morgana.  They were feisty and vivacious.  The girls took him under their combined wing to help him assimilate.  As soon as he’d opened up and let other people in he’d begun to feel a change within himself.

 

Which is why he found the intimate club in Camelot surprisingly fun.

 

He hadn’t been _out_ by himself in a long time; not since his modeling days.  The music was still loud.  The dance floor was still electrifying.   Every person there held some strange, alluring animal magnetism.

 

He found himself unsure of what to do.  Gwen and her husband were slow dancing to ridiculous house music.  Morgana and her boyfriend, Leon, were cuddled up in a dark corner.  His fellow group members were similarly paired up.

 

Merlin wished he could get lost in someone else’s eyes for just one night. 

__

__

___And the world around us___  
won't stop turning tonight  
I like I like  
I'm losing control right now  
but i feel its right  
I like I like  
we're caught in this moment  
I won't let you go  
and the world around us  
won't stop turn tonight  
I like I like I like I like  



	5. I Like It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title and lyrics taken from I Like It by Enrique Iglesias

_I see you watchin me, you see me watchin' you_   
_I love the way you move_   
_I like them things you do_

 

Arthur didn’t mean to show up drunk.

 

He had made definite plans to _get_ drunk.  He damn sure wasn’t going to leave sober.

 

This didn’t mean he wanted to _show up_ drunk.  At least he didn’t have to drive home.

 

His addled state gave the night a hazy, sexual glow. 

 

A pair of electric blue eyes seemed to deepen his intoxication.

 

Blue eyes.  Red Lips.  Pale skin. Angular cheek bones.

 

Delightful.

 

Arthur had a new plan.  It involved hands in warm areas.  And a few well placed moans. 

 

And the owner of the pair of electric blue eyes.

 

 

 

 

_Baby I like it!_   
_The way you move on the floor_   
_Baby I like it!_   
_Come on and give me some more!_   
_Oh yes I like it!_   
_Screaming like never before_   
_Baby I like it! I, I, I like it!_


	6. Blame It on the Girls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title and lyrics taken form Blame it on the Girls by MIKA

_Life could be simple but you never fail  
To complicate it every single time_

 

 

 

Merlin awoke to a pair of confused blue eyes.

 

“I’m sorry.  Do I know you?”  Came a deep voice.

 

That wasn’t a difficult question, yet it sent a million answers swirling through Merlin’s head.

 

“Not really. No. Sorry, Arthur.”  Merlin explained.  “We were both at the party last night.  Morgana told me you lived-“

 

His bed mate gave a long-suffering sigh.  “Of course, Morgana set this up.”  Arthur began to bustle around the apartment and Merlin found he was now the confused one.

 

“I don’t understand what you-“He started.

 

“I’ll pay your cab fare.  I’m sure Morgana didn’t include that in your fee.”

 

A sudden clarity came to him. “You think I’m a hooker.”  It was a statement.  There was no mistaking the disrespect In Arthur’s eyes.

 

“Gigolo, companion, escort, whatever you are.”  Arthur hastily threw on some clothes.  “I need to go to work and you need to leave.”

 

“But it’s Saturday.”

 

“Not everyone has the luxury of working whenever they want to. Some of us actually have responsibilities.”  He placed Merlin’s clothes neatly on the bed.  “I’m sure last night was lovely-“

 

“You don’t even remember?”

 

“Does it actually matter?  Sex is sex.”  Merlin found himself ushered out the door, half dressed.

 

The moment in the hallway was beyond awkward.

 

Arthur cleared his throat and placed his hand on Merlin’s shoulder.

 

“Stay safe and all that.”  He turned to leave.  As he faded off in the distance he called back “Have a nice life!”

 

Merlin couldn’t understand why the bastards of this earth still surprised him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

_Like a baby you're a stubborn child -- what's the matter_  
Always looking for an axe to grind -- what's the matter   
While you're wondering what the hell to do   
We were wishing we were lucky like you


	7. Dickhead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title and lyrics taken from Dickhead by Kate Nash

_Think you know everything_   
_You really don't know nothing_   
_I wish that you were more intelligent_   
_So you could see that what you are doing_   
_Is so shitty_

 

“You called my friend a hooker?”  You are such an ass!”

All movement in the office halted.  Every ear in the Albion was tuned into their conversation.  Arthur glared at his sister before slamming his office door.

“I wake up in bed with some strange man, a kid really, who says he knows you.  What was I supposed to think?”  He refused to see himself in the wrong.  “If he’s your friend, why haven’t I met him before?”

“He just joined group.  Do you know what you’ve done?”  Morgana took a deep breath.  “You’ve taken this fragile human being and completely humiliated him.  Do you even understand how hard it is for abuse victims to put themselves back out there?”

“So what, I’m supposed to treat everyone like an abuse victim?”

Her brother could be so infuriating.  “No, but that doesn’t mean you have to be a twat.”

“How was I supposed to know he was a part of your domestic abuse support group?  It's not like he had it tattooed on his forehead.  He was just some bloke and I was drunk ”  The last time Arthur had been invited to one of Morgana’s meetings was months ago.   “Anyway, just give me his number or something.  The least I can do is apologize.”

“The very least.”  Morgana snapped.   She began scrolling through her cell phone.  “I can’t give you his number, but I’ll give you the address of a restaurant he hangs out at.  Poor dear!  He really is the sweetest thing.”

“Merlin?  Is that actually his name?”

His sister looked at Arthur in disgust.  “Sometimes, Arthur, you can be such an ass.”

 

 

 

 

_Why are you being a dickhead for  
You're just fucking up situations_


	8. Whataya Want From Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title and lyrics taken from Whataya Want From Me by Adam Lambert

_There might have been a time_  
When I would give myself away  
Ooh,  Once upon a time  
I didn't give a damn  
But now here we are  
So whataya want from me

One of the perks that came with working at a restaurant was taste testing.  The beautiful, absolutely wonderful opportunity to try everything that came out of the kitchen oven.   At any given time during his shift, Merlin could be found sampling a delicious chocolate torte, blueberry swirl cheesecake, lemon meringue pie, or good old fashioned apple pie with cinnamon ice cream.  Yeah, life was good in the kitchen.

“Merlin, you’re needed in the dining area.”

Unless, of course, Merlin had to do _actual_ work.

The tired, young man dutifully grabbed his violin.  He liked his job.  When a couple embraced over a performance of Rachmaninoff or Mendelssohn or even an original concerto, Merlin’s heart filled with hope. 

But nothing could replace capturing the attention of an overcrowded stadium with a single note.

Merlin trekked out to the dining area to meet his boss.  The old man was a friend of his father and a music enthusiast.  He had taken a chance hiring Merlin, and he would forever have Merlin’s gratitude.

“You called, Gaius?”

“Yes, Merlin, my boy.”  Gaius placed his hand on Merlin’s elbow, leading him towards the entrance.  “There is a young man here to see you.  He says it’s important.”

Merlin could feel his heart sink at the sight of familiar, perfectly conditioned, blond hair.

“I’m giving you 10 minutes, which is very generous.  I’ll just keep your violin for now.”  With that, Gaius left with his employee’s only possible improvised weapon.

“And what exactly do you want?” Merlin growled.

The queasy look on Arthur’s face made holding on to anger hard. 

“I just...” the rest of the statment was lost in a mumble.

“What was that?  I didn’t quite here you.”

“I came to apologize.”  Arthur managed to say without looking at his feet.  “The other morning, I was just having a bad reaction to being surprised.  I don’t normally have drunken one-night stands.”

“It was hardly that.”  Merlin snorted.  “I wasn’t the drunk one.  Hell, I don’t even drink.”

The wheels began to turn in Arthur’s head.  “If you weren’t drunk, then why did you sleep with me?  That’s a bit unsavory.”

“What would you have me do?  You came to a party drunk off your ass.  You were all over me, spewing some crap about ‘two sides of the same coin’.” Merlin explained.  “Morgana asked me to take you to your room.  You asked me to stay.  It was late.  I was tired.  So sue me.”

“So we didn’t sleep together?”  The blond man looked skeptical.

“We literally slept together, but no, we did not engage in sexual intercourse.”

Relief flooded over Arthur’s face.  “Fantastic.”  Light blue eyes blinked owlishly at Merlin.  “Not that you wouldn’t be a good lay or anything; it would just make this a whole lot more awkward.”

“Make what awkward?”  Merlin watched the other man pull out a business card.

“I want to invite you out.  Don’t worry; it’s nothing formal or particularly intimate. Morgana and I were going to have lunch with some friends and I would like for you to come.  Just as a chance to get to know each other; maybe become friends.”

Merlin took the card and watched his new “friend” walk off.  It was only then that he realized Arthur never actually said he was sorry.

“What a bastard.” He sighed.

_It messed me up, need a second to breathe  
Just keep coming around_

 

 


	9. Grace Kelly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title and Lyrics taken from Grace Kelly by MIKA

_Do I attract you?_   
_Do I repulse you with my queasy smile?_   
_Am I too dirty?_   
_Am I too flirty?_   
_Do I like what you like?_

 

 

 

 

 

 

Awkward.  Awkwardawkwardawkward.

 

There was no better word to describe the luncheon.

 

Of course, Arthur was the only one feeling uncomfortable.  After all, it was his fault for treating it like a **real** date.  He’d done all the real date things: He picked Merlin up, He opened the car door, pulled out the chair, and participated in some witty banter.

 

Arthur watched as Merlin laughed with his friends; he felt a bit queasy.  Was it a date?  Yes, he said it was casual.  But is that what he meant?

 

He liked Merlin.  With his lickable cheek bones, plump mouth, and adorable half-deranged laugh: what’s not to like?

 

The uneasiness probably stemmed from the fact that Merlin was an abuse victim.  Arthur was so emotionally wrecked when Morgana began her recovery.  Could he go through that again?  Coming back from abuse could take years; a whole lifetime.  Did Merlin even **want** to date?

 

It was different with Morgana.  That was his sister; it was his job to be there for her.  And he could actually help her.  When the judge pronounced a guilty verdict for Morgause and Cenred, Arthur had held his sister while she wept tears of joy.

 

What if Merlin didn’t have a support system?  Should Arthur be expected to look after him?  What if they didn’t work out as couple?  Could Arthur leave Merlin high and dry?

 

His musings sent a myriad of emotions across his face.  Arthur had completely checked out of the entire affair.

 

 ****

 

“Were you, like, okay during lunch?” Merlin asked as they pulled up to his apartment.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

Merlin looked at Arthur as if he’d grown another head. “You’re joking, right?  You looked uncomfortable the entire afternoon.”

 

 

“”No, I wasn’t-” Arthur started.

 

“Just save it.  You asked me to lunch because you said you wanted to get to know me more.”

 

“I do!”

 

“You didn’t say a word the entire time!”  The dark haired man became flushed.  Arthur thought it was unfair for anyone to look that attractive when they were yelling at him.

 

Merlin continued his rant.  “You kept getting this bug-eyed look anytime I said something or laughed.  Do I embarrass you?  I’m sure Morgana told you about my past; was this a pity date?”  Merlin stepped angrily out of Arthur’s silver Camaro.  “You should have said you were uncomfortable around me _before_ you introduced me to your friends, who were lovely, by the way.”

 

“Merlin, please, it wasn’t like that.”  The blond tried to explain.  “If I could just expla-”

 

“Don’t bother.”  Merlin said as he slammed the door.  He practically ran to his front door.

 

_How can I help what you think?_   
_Hello my baby_   
_Hello my baby_   
_Putting my life on the brink_   
_Why don't you like me_   
_Why don't you like me_   
_Why don't you like yourself?_   
_Should I bend over?_   
_Should I look older just to be put on your shelf?_


	10. Melody

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title and lyrics taken from Melody by Kate Earl

_When the walls begin to creep in_  
 _And the sky is fallin down_  
 _When I'm swallowed up in feelings_  
 _I get lost inside the sound..._

 

 

 

Merlin let the feeling of the concerto flow through him.  In his old life, music was his only outlet for emotion.  He would go for weeks feeling nothing; being completely numb.  Now, as his fingers danced across the strings and vibrations travelled from his wrist and onward, Merlin was awash with the hope, the sadness, and the tenacity of the piece.

“Beethoven?”  A familiar voice inquired.

Merlin refused to let himself be startled.  “Yes, it’s one of my favorites.”  He looked at the clock on his wall; he’d been playing for two hours.  With a heavy sigh, he packed up his violin and gently set it aside.

“I didn’t take you for a romantic.”  Arthur intoned.

 “Just because the piece is called ‘Romance’ doesn’t mean it’s about love.”  Merlin hummed, as he continued on his task.  He attempted to straighten his room for present company.  The eyes of the other man never strayed from him.  “Please, don’t take this the wrong way.  How exactly did you get in here?”

Arthur bent down to help collect stray pieces of sheet music.  “Your roommate with the funny hat let me in.”

“Will.”  Merlin growled. 

The blond just laughed.  “He almost didn’t, but I calmly explained why I was here.  I guess he had a change of heart.”  He looked at the music he’d just collected.  Dance of Goblins, Fϋr Elise, Concerto No. 5-none of these were the piece Merlin had just played.

“Did you play Beethoven’s ‘Romance for Violin’ by memory?”

“Yes.”

“But that piece is over nine minutes long!”

“Yes.”  Merlin deadpanned.  “And you’re changing the subject.  What exactly did you come over to say?”  He watched as his music was set atop his small work desk.

“I came to apologize.  I tried to call, but you hung up on me.  Repeatedly.  I was acting like an ass, which, to you, may seem like par for the course.  I swear I’m not usually like this.”  Arthur took a deep breath.  “I’m sorry.  The first time we met, I was ridiculously drunk.  I treated you unfairly after you had helped me.  I’m also sorry for my behavior at that horrendous lunch.  I really do want to get to know you, but I’d asked you out on whim.  I didn’t know what to do in that situation, so I acted like an ass again.”

“I don’t really know what you’re looking for; what you’re asking of me.”    

Merlin was given another card.  Unlike the last one, this card lacked the fancy corporation name and extension number.

“This is my personal number.  I want us to be friends,” Arthur smirked. “Friends with a possibility for an upgrade.  I don’t want to push you into anything.  I’m just asking for a chance.”

Merlin led Arthur towards the front door.  “I can’t promise you anything beyond friendship. I can barely give you that.”  Arthur began to protest, but Merlin cut him off. “I’m not saying no.  You’re sister has been very good to me, so, for her sake, I’ll give you your chance.”  He pushed his unexpected guest into the hallway.  “Don’t screw it up this time.”

The piano in the living room corner called to Merlin.  Arthur had cut his practice time in half.

His fingertips ghosted over the black and white keys.   A little melody that started in his head was brought to life.  It was decidedly more cheerful than his earlier endeavor.

 

 

 

 

_I know that I'm never alone_  
 _ & I know that my heart is my home_  
 _Every missing piece of me_  
 _I can find in a melody_  


 

 

 

 

 


	11. Strange & Beautiful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title and lyrics taken form Strange & Beautiful by Aqualung

_Sometimes, the last thing you want comes in first,_   
_Sometimes, the first thing you want never comes,_   
_And I know, the waiting is all you can do,_

 

 

* * *

 

**To: <Arthur> +19176624395**

 

Hey, this is Merlin.   Even though you called my home and work numbers like a maniac…I figured your apology warranted my cell number.

 

**From: <unknown> +17183967174**

* * *

 

 

**To: <Merlin> +17183967174**

 

Gee, thanks _Mer_ lin.  And I didn’t call you like a maniac.  It’s not my fault you didn’t pick up the first time.

 

**From: <Arthur> +19176634395**

* * *

 

 

**To: Arthur**

         

          Well, we could spend our time arguing about your level of sanity. 

          Or we could try this friend thing you’re so keen on.

 

**From: Merlin**

* * *

 

 

Arthur stared at his phone, puzzled.  Decision made, Arthur pressed the little green button on his phone.  He waited for a few rings until he heard the inevitable – _click­_ -

 

“Is that your way of saying you want to spend time with me?”  He demanded imperiously.

 

Merlin just sighed.  “Or, you know, we could say ‘hello’ like normal human beings.”

 

“Come on, admit it: You _want_ to be my friend.  You think I’m fascinating.”

 

“I think you’re a lunatic.”  A comfortable silence followed that broke when Merlin confessed, “I could _possibly_ be willing to meet up for coffee.”

 

“You mean definitely.”  A smug feeling came over when Merlin laughed.

 

“Just tell me when you get for lunch, Prat.”

 

 

 

Arthur had chosen the little café run by Elyan Smith, Gwen’s brother.  The earthy green and brown color scheme gave the place a comforting vibe without being overly intimate.  It was the perfect place for two individuals to become better acquainted.

 

Whilst sinking into a plush, moss colored chair, Arthur looked at Merlin incredulously.  “You have four jobs?  I’ve seen your apartment, it’s shouldn’t be that expensive.”

 

“Well you would now, Mr. _Pendragon._   You do technically own the building, or at least your company does.”  Merlin smirked.  “Anyway, only two of those jobs actually pay.  The other two are just volunteer. Let’s just drop it.”

 

“Alright,” Arthur conceded.  “New question: Where did you learn to play the Violin.”

 

The dark haired man tweaked one of his large ears.  “I dunno, really.  I’ve always had a knack for picking up instruments. Violin, Piano, Harpsichord, Vuvuzela: if it’s musical, I can play it.”

 

“Did you go to college for it?”

 

“Yes, I got a partial scholarship to Julliard.”

 

“Impressive.”  Arthur nodded.  Not that he was all that surprised.  “Did you graduate?”

 

A pained look flashed through his companion’s eyes.  “Just barely.”  Merlin’s voice was hollowed as he answered.  “I…I really do want to get to know you; you’ve proven that you aren’t an ass _all_ the time.  But some subjects are a little tender.”

 

Arthur felt the urge to comfort Merlin; to reach across the table and hold his hand.  “Don’t worry about it.  We’re doing this thing slow, remember?  You don’t have to say anything you don’t want to.”

 

The look of gratitude he received was equally awe-inspiring as it was saddening.

 

In a perfect world, Merlin would never have been abused.  He would be playing some challenging concerto to a sold out stadium, with Arthur sitting in audience.  Or they would be snuggled up in the corner booth, hold hands, regaling each other with anecdotes from work or with their mutual friends.

 

In Arthur’s mind, if anyone was worth turning fantasy into reality for, it was Merlin.

 

 

 

 

 

_And when I wake you,_   
_I'll be the first thing you see,_   
_And you'll realise that you love me_


	12. God Is A DJ

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title and lyrics taken from God Is A DJ by P!nk

_Life is a dance floor_   
_You get what you're given_   
_It's all how you use it_

 

“Are you dating that Arthur bloke?” Will asked while tossing out another crumpled piece of paper.

 

Merlin just growled in lieu of a response.  Will Conway was an annoying twenty-five year old with an addiction to apricot jam.  He was also Merlin’s roommate and best friend.

 

“For the umpteenth time: I am not dating Arthur Pendragon.”

 

Will didn’t even spare his roommate a glance.  “Well, I think that is very selfish of you.”

 

“How am I being selfish?”

 

“If you went and dated the real-estate mogul, our rent would be free.”

 

“A- Arthur does more than buy and sell buildings. B-I’m pretty sure that’s illegal.”

 

A door slam stopped any further discussion.  The two young men were joined by their third roommate, Gawain.  

 

Upon entering the room, Gawain took a quick survey of the current situation.

 

“Let me guess: you’re talking about Arthur again.”

 

Merlin began to bang his head on the wall.  “Don’t you two have anything better to do than talk about my love life?”

 

“Is that what you’re calling it?  You won’t even admit you’re dating him.” Gawain laughed.

 

“Can you qualify what is or isn’t a love life, _Uncle_?”  That was a low blow.  Gawain really did love his aunt.  Hell, he’d followed her from Wales all the way to New York just to be with her.  The fact that his actions had resulted in a 12 year on-and-off relationship was both sad and hilarious.

 

Gawain gave Merlin a tight smile.  “Thanks for that, _Neph._ I was going to invite you out for ice cream with your cousin, but I don’t want you infecting him with your cynicism.”  He grabbed his wallet and left.

 

 Now Merlin seriously felt like shit. “I’m such an ass.  Are he and Freya on or off?”

 

“Why would I know?  You’re convinced we hate each other.”

 

 

“Please, please, please tell me.”

 

“Fine,” Will sighed.  “They’re kind of in the middle at the moment.  They keep going on all these family outings with Mordred.  Honestly, I’m just waiting for them to drop him off here so they can go fuck.”

 

“Ugh, I really do not need that image in my head.”

 

“How do you think Mordred got here?”  Will returned to his current project.

 

“I actually don’t think about it.”

 

“I do.”  Will admitted.  “Freya is a total MILF.”

 

Merlin found the nearest object (a coaster) and chucked it at his friend’s head.  “She’s my aunt, you perv.”

 

Will attempted to throw the coaster without looking.  The story they would later tell their landlord was that a pigeon had flown into their window, creating a medium sized crack.

 

“Can we stop deflecting so we can talk about your intimacy issues?  I’m worried about what you’re doing with your life.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

Will turned to face friend.  “You have no ambition-”

 

“I have a job.”

 

“Yes, you have a job.  You need a career.”  Will picked up an underdeveloped sketch.  “I did not graduate from NYU in order to do something I hate.  I’m actually applying my otherwise worthless degree.”

 

“We can’t all be semi-famous graphic novelists.”  Merlin muttered.

 

“No, we can’t.”  his roommate agreed.  “Unless you have a degree in Art history or whatever you should probably do something else with your life.”

 

“And what exactly should I be doing?”

 

Will flashed Merlin a pitying look before retreating to his room.  He returned with a box of his fancy colored Markers.

 

“Merlin, man, you’re like some virtuoso when it comes to music.  You have a degree from a prestigious and reputable school.  You should be doing more than tutoring a bunch of rich kids.  You should be exploring your passion and sharing it with someone.”

 

“And you think that someone is Arthur?” Merlin scoffed.  “You don’t even like him!”

 

“No!  You think that someone is Arthur.  That is why you are so terrified to be with him.”  Will nearly threw all 144 of his Prismacolor© Markers at his roommate. Then he remembered that he almost spent 500 dollars on the damn things.  “And I don’t know Arthur.  I’ve only met the man twice.”

 

“Gawain doesn’t have a passion in life and he gets on just fine.”  Remarked Merlin petulantly.   “Besides, I don’t see you with some special someone.”

 

“Gawain’s passion is Freya.  Has been since they were teenagers.  Although I guess his son could also be his passion…I don’t really know how passions work.”  Will mumbled.  “But I digress.  Anyway, I do have a special someone.”

 

“What’s her name and why haven’t we met?”

 

A dreamy look came into his eyes. “Her name is Sophia Sidhe. She’s wonderful, if not a little psychotic.”  A quick shake of the head put him right.  “And I would introduce you if you weren’t so bloody depressed all the time.”

 

Will’s whole body tightened with frustration.  He hastily packed up his work and began heading towards him room.

 

“Look mate, if you don’t sort out this thing with Arthur soon, you’ll make us all miserable.”

 

Merlin wrapped his arms around himself.  His throat felt dry as he tried to keep back aggravated tears.

 

“Maybe you’re right.”  He whispered to the empty room.

 

 

_You might as well let go, you can't take back what you've done_   
_So find a new lifestyle_   
_A new reason to smile_


	13. Never Gonna Leave This Bed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title and lyrics taken from Never Gonna Leave This Bed by Maroon 5

_So you say "Go, it isn't working"_

_And I say “No, it isn’t perfect”_

Arthur and Merlin had been officially dating for one month.

In that month, their budding relationship had gone to shit.

“I don’t understand why you can’t just _talk_ to me, Merlin.”  The blond was trying to keep from pulling out his hair.  “I’m not asking for you to jump to the moon and back.  I just want to understand you.  I want there to be some intimacy between us.”

“Intimacy?  So this **is** about sex!”

A sadness overcame Arthur.  The sheltered existence that Merlin had lived made the almost-four-year gap between them seem massive.  

“No, Merlin.” Arthur sighed, unable to keep the weariness out of his voice.  “This is about us being able to talk to each other.  Is that so bad?”

“It is when you repeatedly try to pry into my private life.”  Merlin slowly began to rise from his chair.   He knew causing a scene in their friend’s café, but he found his emotions hard to keep in check.  “Did you ever think about my feelings?  That maybe I don’t feel ready to talk about a painful time in my life?” 

“Merlin, wait I-”

“No, this isn’t about you, Arthur.  I’m sorry if dating someone with baggage is an inconvenience for you, but, for my own sanity, I’m leaving.”

“Leaving the coffee shop?”

“No, you prat.  I'm leaving this relationship!”

 

 

“Wait- _I_ should apologize?!?”  Alternating between confused and outraged was giving Arthur a head ache.

“Really, brother dear, try not to be so obtuse.”  Morgana gave him a condescending pat on the head.

“You’re my sister; you’re supposed to be on my side.”

“But you’re both in the wrong.  So, as a neutral third party observer, I’m telling you to get off your stubborn ass and fix this.”  Morgana gave him one last pitying look before leaving him alone.

Relationships had never been Arthur’s strong suit.  He wanted the fantasy: someone to talk to, hold hands with, the works.  He wanted a relationship like his parents.  But he always dated the most vapid people.

Merlin was different.  Merlin was smart, and funny, and a genuinely nice person.

Staring down at his freshly poured scotch, Arthur tried to unscramble his thoughts.

“What do I do?”

 

_Take it, take it all_

_Take all that I have_

_I'd give it all away just to get you back_

 


	14. Under Control

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title and lyrics taken from Under Control by Parachute

_And all my fears creep and crawl across my skin and_   
_These four walls are after me and moving in_   
_And all that I want to do_   
_Is give up, give in, let this one stay where it is_

 

Merlin had gone home and cried himself to sleep.

The whole argument had been stupid. Why had he been so defensive?  Arthur would never want him back.  Maybe Edwin had been right.

 

_*Flashback*_

_“Merlin, You’re so pathetic.”  Edwin held him down on the bed by his throat.  “Throwing yourself at anything with a dick.”_

_“I didn’t.  I swear.  We were just talking.”  Merlin’s voice was barely a whisper, but it didn’t matter.  He knew better to keep his mouth shut._

_“Don’t be so naïve. Despite what you think, I’m the only one that gets to fuck you.  Do you know why?”_

_Merlin felt fingernails digging into sensitive skin.  “No,” he answered._

_“Because nobody else wants you!”_

_*End Flashback*_

 

He could still feel the slap on his cheek.

 

No!  He shook his head to clear the cobwebs of the past.  He was better than this.  He wasn’t the same naïve kid.  If Arthur didn’t, he would be okay.  He would move on.

A flashing light caught his eye.  His cellphone was lit up on the nightstand.

**6 New Voicemails.**

“Hey, Merlin, it’s me.  It’s, uh, Arthur.  I really want to talk to you.  Just give me a call when you get this.  Bye.”

“Hey.  It’s me again.  I know I said some stupid things before but I didn’t say them out of cruelty.  I’m on your side.  I don’t want to clog your voicemail, so I’ll just call you tomorrow.”

“I know I said I wouldn’t call again, but I’ve had a bit to drink.  You know, liquid courage and all that.  I just want to say I’m sorry.  I just want us to be closer.  I didn’t mean to push you or anything.  Just _please_ call me back.  You won’t regret it.”

“Merlin!  * _hiccup_ * I think I might be * _hiccup_ * drunk.  I miss you!  You’re so pretty, Merlin.  You have pretty eyes, and pretty lips, and really pretty cheekbones.  And you get all * _hiccup_ * sparkly when you smile.”

“Merlinmerlinmerlinmerlin.  It’s 4 o’clock, Merlin!  I’m sitting outside of your apartment.  I brought you coffee!  It’s warm and sweet, just like you!  Come outside so we can have breakfast!”

“Merlin!  It’s 4:05!  You’re probably asleep.  I’ll sit outside until you wake up because that’s what good boyfriends do!”

Merlin ran to the front door.

It was now 10:27 am.

Arthur had been sitting outside his apartment for six hours and twenty-two minutes. 

The sight of Arthur slumped against the corridor wall asleep with cold coffee spilled down his pants did funny things to Merlin’s heart.  He reached down and gently shook Arthur’s shoulder.

“Wake up sleepy head.”  He whispered.

“Merlin?” Arthur asked, drowsiness seeping into his voice.  “I waited for you.”

He gave his boyfriend a fond smile.  “I know.”

 

 

_But I don't suppose I will_

 


	15. Cosmic Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this relationship is so wishy-washy sometimes. But we're all human, we don't always know what we want...
> 
> Title and lyrics taken from Cosmic Love by Florence + the Machine

  
_And in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat_   
_I tried to find the sound_   


 

“Merlin, we can’t just break up every time we have an argument.”

‘I know.”

“I mean we have to talk to each other.  Really listen.  Relationships are supposed to be give and take.  A partnership.  If we can’t communicate, how are we supposed to-”  Arthur stopped his pacing to watch his boyfriend meticulously apply rosin to his bow.  “Are you even listening to me?”’

Merlin glanced up with a look of such sincerity.  Arthur didn’t trust it for a second.

“Of course I listen to you, Arthur.”

“Alright, what did I say?”

“something about the…thing…and…stuff?”

The blond shook his head in frustration. He, again, began striding the length of Merlin’s room.  “This is exactly what I mean.  Whenever we spend time together you flip flop from wanting to be with me to ignoring.  I really like you, Merlin.  And I think you like me too.  Why won’t you help me to make this work?”

A myriad of emotions passed over Merlin’s face.  Arthur tried to imagine what he was thinking.  Was it about his past?  Was it about Arthur?

“I’m not trying to hold back.”  Merlin promised, eyes bright with emotion.  “There’s just so much I feel I can’t say.”  The hurt must’ve shown on Arthur’s face.  “I _want_   to tell you.”

“Then why won’t you?”

“I don’t want you to think differently of me.”

This time, Arthur schooled his emotions.  He walked over to where Merlin was perched on his bed.  Kneeling, Arthur looked in to his boyfriend’s eyes and said, “If you think I could ever look at you any different than I am right now, perhaps you should reevaluate this relationship.”  He leaned forward, placing a chaste kiss on Merlin’s lips. “I trust you completely.  This won’t work if you can’t do the same.  Take as long as you need to think about where you want this relationship to go.”

 

He made is way over to the door.  A nagging feeling was stopping him from turning the handle.  He was _pushing_ again.

 

“Merlin, I don’t need you to spill all your secrets to me in a day.  I just want you to trust me.”  With that, Arthur fled the premises.

The weight of the world seemed to be crushing down of him and the only thing stopping it was his silver Camaro.

 

 

  
_No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight_   
_In the shadow of your heart_


	16. Swimming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title and lyrics taken from Swimming by Florence + the Machine

_Pull me out the water, cold and blue,_   
_I open my eyes and I see that it's you,_   
_So I dive straight back in the ocean_

 

The pounding in Merlin’s head began two weeks ago; the night Arthur left.  Since that night, Merlin had done everything in his power to make it stop.  Well, _almost_ everything.

He’d spent a whole day watching Will ink his comic book.  He’d begged his aunt to let him baby-sit.  Freya, of course, saw through his ploy and declined. 

He played his piano until his fingers bled. 

The fine hairs of his bow had been worn down from constant use.

Even with the continual activity, Merlin couldn’t get Arthur’s words out of his head.  Would it be so bad to trust the man he’d been dating?  He’s never really told anyone what happened at Edwin’s.  Gawain and Will were only privy to the bare minimum on details; they knew enough to be angry, but not enough to be horrified.  Could he reveal secrets he couldn’t even tell his two closest friends?

As Merlin stared at the plain white wall of his bedroom, he knew his mind was already made up.

 

 

_Take a deep breath, suck the water in my chest_   
_Cross my fingers and hope for the best_

Arthur’s door opened to reveal two enquiring blue eyes.  Merlin tried to swallow his guilt. He’d needed that time.

“Merlin, what-”

“Please, Arthur,” Merlin pleaded.  “I’ve finally worked up the nerve to come talk to you.  I’m trying to give us a chance.”

With a silent nod, Arthur allowed Merlin into his apartment.

The place was a mess.  A complete wreck.  Papers were strewn across the floor.  Half empty teacups littered every available surface. 

“I see you’ve been keeping yourself busy.”  Merlin commented, nearly tripping over an X-Box controller.

“Did you come here to make idle chit-chat?”

“No,” Merlin sighed.  “I just came to say that I _do_ trust you, and how hard that is for me.”

Arthur attempted to move closer, but saw the pain in Merlin’s eyes.  “Why?” he asked softly.

“I haven’t healed yet.”

“Then let me help you!”  Arthur begged.

“It’s not that simple!”  Merlin took a deep breath.  His nerves were completely overloaded.  His boyfriend’s earnest face motivated him further.  “It’s not that simple, Arthur.  Edwin really messed me up.  My friends keep reminding me that it’s been two years and that I should just let it go, but I can’t.”

This time, Arthur didn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around Merlin.  “Just tell me what I can do to help.”

“Come to group with me.  I’m ready to talk about it.”

_Then all of a sudden, I heard a note,_   
_It started in my chest and ended in my throat_   
_And then I realized I was swimming_


	17. Some Unholy War

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title and lyrics taken from Some Unholy War by Amy Winehouse

_If my man was fighting_   
_Some unholy war_   
_I would be behind him_

Arthur’s stomach twisted in knots.  This is what he wanted…right?  Then why did he feel so sick?

Domestic abuse victim’s groups aren’t like AA.  There’s no shit coffee or confession podium.  To Arthur, it looks like some college hangout.  The room was painted a forest green with comfy bean-bag chairs littering the floor. 

Merlin stood in the center of the distorted circle they formed.  His face was flushed from anxiety.  His hands tapped out a nervous rhythm on his leg.

Arthur wanted to gather him close; to protect him.  But Merlin didn’t want-didn’t need Arthur to do that.  He just wanted Arthur’s support.

So Arthur grit his teeth and listened to Merlin’s tale of woe.

“I had only been 18 when I met him…E-Edwin.  I had a job that I hated but desperately needed.   Ed walked in the room and everything seemed better.  He was smart and funny and so so sweet.  I thought it was love.”  Merlin gave a self-deprecating laugh.  “He said I was his muse.  He offered to take care of me and my financial issues.

It was great at first.  I lived with him and we seemed genuinely in love.  He listened to me play and helped me further my career: everything was great.  Until it wasn’t.”  Merlin snuck a glance at Arthur. “It was the small things that changed first. We stopped going out so much.  Instead he would have me practice for longer hours. Whenever I got a call to hang out, Ed would get frustrated and moody.  It was easier to just say no.  I was slowly weaned off my friends and family.   He started pressuring me for…things.  And I just didn’t understand why we couldn’t wait.  He threatened to leave me and have my partial scholarship revoked.  I believed him.”

Arthur’s knuckles whitened as he gripped his chairs.  The edge of his vision became a red haze.

“After we did…that, he stopped letting me model for anyone but him.  I barely left the apartment unless it was for school or at Edwin’s behest.”  Merlin wrapped his thin arms around himself.  “The last year was when I finally broke.  I had just graduated from Juilliard.  Edwin wanted to have celebratory sex-all the time.  If I said no, he would hurt me.  He said he liked to make me bleed.”

Arthur tried to keep his face deceptively blank.  The tears freely flowing down Merlin’s face caused Arthur’s own eyes to sting.

“I couldn’t do it anymore.  I checked myself into the hospital.  That’s where I met Gwen.  She was my nurse and the wife of a photographer I’d worked with.  They helped me reconnect with my family and get my life back on track.  I couldn’t bring myself to come here-I thought I would be just fine on my own.  But that kind of thing...being alone, keeping everything to myself... it's what got me in trouble in the first place.  I just…I needed help.  I still do.”

Merlin plopped down into the chair next to Arthur.  The others gave their support, but Arthur knew that wasn’t what Merlin wanted.  When those big blue eyes turned on him, Arthur did the first thing that came to his head.

He laid his hand on Merlin’s in a sign of support.  That’s what you do for the people you love.

 

 

 

_With strength he didn't know_   
_It's you I'm fighting for_   
_He can't lose with me in tow_   
_I refuse to let him go_


	18. We Are Golden

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue. Congrats you've made it the end :]
> 
> Title and lyrics taken from We Are Golden by MIKA

_I’m still wondering why  
Had to let the world let it bleed me dry_

 

 

Merlin could feel the crescendo approaching.  He felt it in his fingertips as the flew across the violin strings.  He could feel it in his wrist as it flicks to and fro, expertly maneuvering his bow.  He could feel it in his heart.  Just as he had felt this song in his heart and was somehow able to translate it to paper.

 

He could feel it coming: the big finish.  The crowd would love it.  They might stand on their feet or throw roses.

 

Not that it mattered much anymore.  Not to Merlin.  He no longer played for them.  Tonight, at his first show in almost four years, he played just for himself.

 

And a certain blonde in the crowd.

 

Arthur was proud.  Maybe that was a bit pretentious of him, but anyone who was bothered by it could sod off.

 

It’s not like he was proud of himself.  (Alright, he was a _little_ proud of himself.  Having a victim of domestic abuse as your boyfriend can be a life changer.  It was nice to discover that he is actually a decent human being.)

 

No, he was proud of Merlin. Courageous Merlin, who could, after years of recovery, get on that stage and pour his heart and soul into a piece of music.

 

Arthur wiped an errant tear from his face.  He looked around to make sure Morgana hadn’t seen him.  That girl turned blackmail into a sporting event.

 

“It’s very moving.” Came a smooth baritone.

 

Arthur promptly turned around in his seat.  He had to be sure this bloke wasn’t mocking him or Merlin.

 

The man looked…older.  Perhaps around the same age as his father.  He had shaggy blonde hair and a pompous earring.  The man looked like an ageing rock star.

 

“Are you a fan of classical music?”  Arthur asked politely.  No reason to make a fuss.  Tonight was about Merlin.

 

“No, but I am a fan of the musician.”  The man kept his gaze locked on the stage.  “I met him back at Julliard.  What about yourself?”

 

“I’m his boyfriend.”

 

The man’s face distorted slightly before relaxing.  “Ah, I see.  You must be excited then, to see him perform.”

 

“Of course.  I’ve sat with him for months, listening to him tweak and perfect this one piece.  Not that I’m complaining.”  Arthur quickly amended.  “I love Merlin’s music.  It’s his dream, and I would do anything to see it come true.  When he gets on that stage, I feel so unworthy of him.”

“He is a god amongst his contemporaries.”

 

“Exactly!  And to be a part of that is just…mind blowing.”  Arthur sunk into his seat.  “And he shares all of that with me.  Just because I love him.”

 

Arthur didn’t see the man’s face twist; he didn’t see the look of pure fury in the stranger’s eyes.

 

“How very…touching.  I wish you both the utmost happiness.”

 

“Thanks man.”  Arthur held out his hand.  “I’m Arthur Pendragon.  I didn’t catch your name earlier.”

 

“I’m no one important.”

 

 

*******

 

 

Arthur waited patiently for a 6 foot, dark haird frame among a sea of people. 

 

When a pair of brilliant blue eyes apperead, Arthur couldn't help the grin spreading across his face.  “You were brilliant!”

 

Merlin flushed with happiness.  “You really think so?”

 

“Abso-bloody-lutely!”  Arthur grabbed Merlin around the waist and kissed him soundly.  “Everyone thought so.  Hell, I even struck up a little conversation with some bloke behind me.  He was practically enamored- granted, he was a weirdo.”

 

“You thought he was weird? Why?”

 

“Dunno.  I guess he looked out of place.  But never mind about him.  Tonight, I and all the people you love are taking you out for a celebratory dinner.  Somewhere family friendly for Mordred.”

 

Merlin could never remember how that night ended.  Too much champagne and not enough food.  However, every time he looks back, he can clearly see the look of utter fondness from Arthur.  It helped cast a lovely, rosy glow of contentment over the entire night.

 

 

_We are not what you think we are  
We are golden, we are golden_


End file.
